keeping quiet

so much has happened since my last blog. i believe, i wanted so bad to have my angie back, i spent a lot of mental time trying to stand in her shoes, to understand. everything i know about my girl, angie, is raw. everything she says has no other meaning than exactly as she says. that is the result of camoflaging her rage, her heavy heart, her dislike of herself, and mostly what has been put on her. i always thought she would know, feel, and see that my love for her was always unconditional but i see now that that in itself was a condition....something i expected of her , to see things my way. i am saddened by that. i have been blind, taking care of putting out campfires and there was one brewing right next to me and i didnt recongnize the danger signs. danger signs not for me, but for her.
i believe she and i have started over. i am working on letting her know she can trust that i will never leave her , i love her for who she is and more so i understand.

i read angies blog under"if you are sensitive". in this she talked about her childhood and how she felt when she went to live with her dad. i honestly understood how as a child she might of felt, how scary it might of been for her, and how it has made her who she is today. i have my memories too, those i keep close to myself, i dont share, i put away to avoid the shame, hurt, and feeling of loss...loss of my daughter. everything going on in my life at that time was like walking around in circles. there was no ed\nd to any of my pain, i didnt even know what was going on with myself. in some ways, having asked my dad could i bring the girls with me to live with him till i got on my feet, no where to go or job, and him saying no, leaves me with feelings like angie might of felt. like being misplaced and no ground to land on. i knew i had nothing to offer the girls, no future, place, job, and i was nothing. going with their dad was a sure thing for them, with the right person, the good one, the one that would be good for them. i had no answers for anything in my life, i didnt want them so see this. i believe that made me what i am for many years, very self destructive. i didnt deserve any happiness, and i would destroy any goodness in my life.

good grief...

well girls i quess i have my own day to discuss with you.

well , see that wasnt so bad...

havent not much to say, leads one to believe that have no friends, but its more about haveing too much time and not filling it up right. that i can tell you all about. whenever i was a bit younger than now, say five years ago or so i was complaining about too much of this , too much of that. now, i miss the this and that and believe me having ones time to themself is not worth it. so i have taken on my booths and job to keep me busy, working around people that come in and out all day at the store. bringing in old things, my goodness i fit in dont i. anyway, most people would think at my age you would run from the smell of old things, but i have learned to find a comfort in seeing things that remind me of certain people, a time passed, and then again i realize there is a lot behind me and less in front of me.

i love hearing from the girls when they call , its my lifeline.